Dating Advice from Me to Me

A recent conversation with a friend went something like this:

Friend:  So, are you dating anyone?
Me:  No.  I  haven't dated in years.
Friend:  Why not? 
Me:  It's not that I don't want to.  I just can't seem to meet any men worth dating.
Friend:  Well, what are you looking for in a man?
Me:  A pulse.
Friend:  Where have you looked? 
Me:  I haven't really looked anywhere.  I mean, I get out to the grocery store, and church, and run errands.  Of course there are fun places I go with my kid, but I haven't really met any single men that I would date.  Hell, half the time I don't even know if they are single.
Friend:  Honey, they aren't going to magically show up at your door...and you probably won't find him at the petting zoo. 

Reality bites, and quite frankly, I hated my friend for about 10 minutes because she was right.  When my child is away, I take time to catch up on sleep, do chores, deep clean the house and fantasize about Chris Hemsworth in an apron, cooking dinner while a shirtless Ryan Reynolds landscapes my under-attended yard. 

I pretty much brushed off the conversation that day, until I had a chance encounter with with my ex-husband and HE made a snarky comment about me not having a boyfriend then suggested that maybe I wanted a "girlfriend" instead.  I had a few choice words for his unwelcomed opinion. Let me clarify something.  I have nothing against people who prefer same-sex relationships.  I fully support and love many of my gay friends, but suggesting that I try batting for the other team is like telling Perez Hilton to give it a go with Dana Loesch.  That was the nudge that sent me plummeting into depths of the dating pit again.  In all reality, I DO want to date. Not for revenge. Not for self-affirmation.  I just want to have fun with some guy/Greek God and see where it goes.  It's that human nature thing.

Of course, I started shuffling through online articles and found so much conflicting information that my head was spinning.  Dr. Phil said I need to get in touch with myself.  A psychiatry site said I need to get in touch with them.  Glamour said I need to be independent and confident.  Another site said I should be vulnerable.

It was quite obvious that I wasn't going to get much help there. I'm almost convinced that I harbor some OCD tendencies, because the first thing I did after beating my head against the wall was make a list of dating advice to myself.  (If you have read my previous posts, you can probably guess that I have a secret love affair with listing.)  I had to dig down deep, and look at my own life, rather than let someone else clump me into some stereotypical divorced woman's category.

My Dating Advice to Me:

1. Ryan Reynolds will not mow your yard.  Get out and do it yourself, but before you do, make a trip to the hardware store and ask for lawn maintenance advice from the hottest guy you can find without a wedding ring.
2. Get out of your comfort zone.  If you haven't found "HIM" at the local coffee shop or the bar down the road, chances are you won't find him there anytime soon.  He won't pop up when you open your Kindle or materialize from a pint of Ben and Jerry's.  This is the hardest for me, a self-proclaimed creature of habit.
3. Dress up.  The only thing he will likely notice about the 1999 t-shirt and yoga pants is that you would make a good feature on People of WalMart.
4. Wear the right bra.  I know you LOVE that sports bra, but trust me, girlfriend.  It's not doing you any favors.
5. Break out the body spray.  Eau de Clorox is not a pheromone accentuating fragrance.
6. Smile.  Go ahead. Don't be bashful.  Flash those pearly whites and look a cutie in the eye.
7. You know that cute guy who also happens to be a divorced work-a-holic?  Talk to him.
8. Speaking of work-a-holic, set aside those contracts and to-do lists for a bit.  Leave your work at work for at least one day.
9. Open your eyes!  Chances are, some cute little number has probably noticed you, but you were to busy staring at the ground and contemplating joining a convent to notice.  WAKE UP!
10. Perfect the eyes.  Practice that "I'm interested" look in the mirror.
11. Go for the face-to-face gusto and set aside the thoughts of online dating.  I know.  I know.  It works for many people, but honey, it's just not for you right now.  
12. Work it, don't twerk it.  Really.  You are almost 40 years old and have no business trying to keep up with the 20-somethings.  If that's not what you want to attract, then opt for the age appropriate walk/talk/stance.

I give myself some pretty good advice, if I do say so myself.  Now, the trick is to take it.
Feel free to add your two cents, dating advice, etc.  Who knows.  Maybe you hold the key to my happy romance.

Au Revoir!