Lions, Tigers, and Co-parents

Photo from

http://womenonthefence.com/2012/04/04/tips-for-co-parenting-after-divorce/

Co-Parenting is not easy.  As a matter of fact, it's one of the hardest things to do.  I'm a little jealous of those divorced parents who have a very amicable relationship and are able to actually work together to make decisions for their child.   That's not us.  Our co-parenting relationship is a little one-sided.

Now, this is not a "bash my ex" post.  I make my share of mistakes and I am more than willing to be accountable for them, but there are some obvious differences that make me want to pull my hair out.  We have good days and we have bad days.  It took me almost a decade of relationship/marriage to figure out how to bargain with my ex-husband.  Its aggravating that I still have to do this when it comes to my child but sadly, that is the reality that I and many single parents face.  I am learning as I go, but there are a few things I have figured out when one parent wants to work with the other, but the other does not.

BREATHE
Before I point out a fault of my ex-husband, I try to point out one of my own.  It's not fair to place all blame on him but take none for myself.  We both made mistakes.  I like to be in control.  I don't mind comprise, and working together, but if I don't fully trust someone's judgement, I would rather take charge.  While it may seem logical at times, it does nothing to build a relationship, and it make the other person feel belittled.  I never trusted my ex's judgement.  He tended to make decision based on his wants rather than the needs of the group.  He often put himself before his family, and that was not OK with me.  He still does this.  What school he wants our child to attend is about his convenience, not her education.  Paying for his toys comes before paying child support.  When someone disagrees with him, it's a conspiracy.  These are the things that drive me insane.  This is when I have to breathe.  It does no good to argue about the school.  We live in a big city.  She attends her zoned school.  He lives on the opposite end of the city.  He will just have to drive.  Breathe.  I will always budget with the assumption that I won't receive child support, and think of it as a nice bonus when I DO get it.  Breathe.  His conspiracy theories are a product of his own insecurities, not an evil plot by the people around him.  Breathe.

GET A SHOVEL

I am logical, almost to a fault.  I tend to over-analyze everything so that I can make a honest assessment.  Sometimes, I don't think before I speak, and a some times hurtful honesty comes spilling out.  That is a fault .  My ex-husband takes the other extreme.  He fluffs a story with extra details and exaggerations.  Most people see through his stories right away, or at least question them, because he always takes to that level that the story becomes unbelievable.  One day, when we were married, I asked him when he would do that.  He actually admitted that he did it because it made the story better and he wanted to have his moment in the spotlight.  I guess that is one quality that makes him so successful in his Marketing career.  Unfortunately, it's a habit for him.  A disrespectful comment from our daughter becomes a screaming tantrum with flying dishes and broken lamps.  Get a shovel.  The truth is down there somewhere.  A trip/fall on the side walk becomes "I can't pick her up today because I almost died when I fell on the sidewalk, slammed into a fire hydrant and ricocheted into the street in front of a speeding bus."  Get a shovel.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY (A.K.A Play the Game)
I know this may sound manipulative, but sometimes the only way to keep from an unnecessary argument is to deploy the ultimate weapon...reverse psychology.  Don't get me wrong.  I will give on some things.  He wants our daughter to play soccer.  I'm not keen on that because she has showed no interest and it's expensive.  OK...I'll let him have this one.  He wants to enter our daughter in a beauty pageant.  Again, not crazy about this, but I will bend.  So what about the things that I will NOT bend on, like her school or her chores at my house.  For example, he has certain chores that she has to do daily at his house.  He wants me to make her do those exact same chores at my house.  I have different chores for her to do and, no, I am not going to rearrange my life to match his.  I have found in situations like these, if I play dumb, and ask him for "advice" on how to make that happened, while strategically playing devil's advocate, he will eventually give.  The downside is that he never really understands that we lead two different lives.  He will never realize that our child has to adjust to that, so he needs some patience.  All that is really happening is that he thinks when he agrees to something that I feel is best, it is his idea.

BE THE BETTER
I have been through the fights.  One thing I will say is that I have never used my child to get back at my ex-husband.  I have never used her as a negotiating tool, and I never will, regardless of how he is.  When we went through the divorce, he did not agree to some of the terms I wanted for my child.  Terms that I felt would help to ease the transition from a whole family to a broken home.  Things that I was willing to fight for.  When the judge agreed to my terms, my ex went to extreme lengths, called CPS, made very specific accusations of neglect and abuse.  I was appalled.  The man who came to investigate, ruled out those accusations and the ex was reprimanded for filing a false report out of revenge.  Yes, he stooped that low.  I was not worried about the investigation and my reputation.  I knew it would be cleared immediately.  I WAS worried about my child.  She had been through so much, and it was scary for her to have a stranger ask her such personal questions.  I hated my ex husband for doing that to her.  A child is not a bargaining chip.  Always be the better person.  The children will see the difference in their own time.  When he goes on a rant, be the better.  When he makes false accusations, bet the better.  Never stoop to the level you hate.

BREATHE, GET A SHOVEL, PLAY THE GAME, BE THE BETTER

Will it always be this hard?  Probably, and I will learn more as I go.  Maybe...just maybe...one day I will get the hang of this.

Well, Butter My Biscuits!

 Around 11:00 the other night, I was having a hard time sleeping.  In true "me" fashion, I check my email and see that I have a blog comment.  To my surprise, Megan, from The Walker Fireside Chats, said she nominated me for the Liebster Award.  Let me confess something.  I had no idea what this was.  I am a baby blogger who is not familiar with the blog world.  I still don't know what Linky Party or Blog Hop means.  

So naturally, I Googled Liebster Award.   It's basically a big shout out from one blogger to other rising bloggers that inspire! I have to say that I feel pretty darn special right now knowing that a fellow blogger thought enough of me to send a pat on the back.  If you get a chance, check out her blog, The Walker Fireside Chats.  It's such a fun read from a sweet personality!

Now I have the opportunity to recognize other bloggers!  How exciting!

Here are the rules to accept the award:

1. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you and display the award.
2. Answer eleven questions the blogger gives you.
3. Give eleven random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate eleven blogs that have less than 200 followers you think are deserving of the award (I broke the rules here, a bit.  I am a complete baby in the blogging world, so I haven't quite found the younger blogs yet).
5. Let the bloggers know you nominated them.
6. Give them eleven questions to answer.

Megan's Questions for Me:

1. What made you start a blog?  A general need to express what is going on in my life, share the fun, share the victories.  I would never actually talk to my friends about it because I always felt like it would be kind of a downer.  We lost the ability to relate that way when I divorced.
2. Who is your blogging mentor?  I don't really have one, but there are many that inspire me.
3. Talk about a favorite piece in your wardrobe. I have a pair of jeans that I love.  If I could wear them every day, I would.  It's one of the few pair I have ever had in my life that fit JUST right.  I need to buy 10 more pair.
4. What is one tip you would offer to a new blogger?  Blog from your heart.  If you don't have anything heartfelt to say, wait a day or two.
5. If you had to go your whole life eating only one meal, what would it be? Chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and cream gravy.  Granted, it would be a much shorter life.
6. Are you a morning person? Why or why not? NO!  I am a night owl.  It takes my body a good 30-45 minutes to wake up, even after a nap.
7. In your opinion, what makes a successful blogger? It depends on your goals.  For example, My goal is to reach, inspire, and relate to people in similar positions as myself.  If I can accomplish that, with even a few, then I consider myself successful.
8. What is your favorite color and why? Blue.  It just draws me in.
9. What is your favorite animal and why? Dogs.  I adore dogs.  They are like fuzzy little people, but without the sass!
10. Who is your best friend and why?  My best friend was a wonderful lady.  She passed away 6 years ago from breast cancer.  I have many close friends now, but none are anywhere near where she was in my life.
11. What is the most unusual pet you have ever had?This may not be unusual for some, but I had a Kingsnake at one point.

11 Random Facts

1. I HATE spiders.  HATE.  HATE. HATE.
2. I wanted to be in the Marine Corps when I was a child.
3. I love to fish.
4. I recently learned how to shoot a handgun.
5. I love to read.
6. I want to move to Bora Bora.
7. Boiled squash makes me gag.
8. I wish I could wear flip flops year round.
9. I have a tattoo (inconspicuously placed)
10. I am afraid of heights.
11. I can't function without coffee.

Now for my favorite part of this.  I get to give props to some other bloggers who inspire me!  Some of these girls had me in tears (in a good way)!

 Diary of a Traveling Wheelchair
Martina's blog is the story of her journey through life with her family while being wheelchair bound.  Her posts are so inspirational and it's obvious that she has a powerful voice and a passion!  She is one who truly uses her faith in God to overcome struggles and shows everyone that adaptability is key.

Orli, Just Breathe
Orli lives in London.  Her blog shares her journey through a huge move with a family and her experiences with her son's Ocular Albinism.  Her is encouraging to feel her own strength through some of her posts.  I love her positive and informative blog.

Single Modern Mom's Conceiving Piper
Ashley's blog instantly captured my heart.  A single mother by choice, and this is her story!  This is as real as it gets.

Adventures with the Cronks
April shares her adventures of travel, parenting, crafting, renovating...you name it.  What I really like about her blog is that it is so easy to relate to.  It's refreshing to see that parents are not alone with the unique adventures of living life and having kids.

Wisdom, Grace, and Chickens
Kay completely won me over with her down-to-earth, honest, and humorous posts about faith, family, and natural living.  I hope to learn a few things from her!

Seeking Harmony 
Suzanne shares her life as a wife and homeschooling mom.  She has some great tips, tricks, projects, and recipes.  She also shares her personal experiences and how they cope through struggles and life changes.

Oh My, Marta
I honestly don't know how many followers she has.  Maybe too many, but I love her blog.  It takes a lot of courage to share your struggles and internal conflicts with the world, but she does.  It is very easy to relate. 


NOW:  Here are the things I would LOVE to know about the great folks above.  ~From your biggest fan.

1. What triggered your desire to start blogging?
2. What is your goal as a blogger?
3. If you had the chance to be someone else for one day, who would you be and why?
4. How would your best friend describe you?
5. What childhood memory stands out the most?
6. What is your greatest fear?
7. What was the happiest moment in your life?
8. What is your favorite breakfast food?
9. If you could go back 5 years and give one piece of advice to yourself, what would that be?
10. What is your drink of choice?
11. What is your biggest pet peeve?

To Megan at The Walker Fireside Chats.  Thanks again for the shout out! Your encouragement means the world!

Mwah!

What I Want in a Man

Three years.  That is how long it has taken me to figure out what I REALLY want in a man...a spouse, even.  In the beginning, my list was enormous.  I kept telling myself that I would not take even one thing off of that list because I wouldn't be truly happy with a man that was anything less.  It wasn't until fairly recently that I began to analyze my own list.  My conclusion?  It is selfish.  Some of the things on there are so petty and, dare I say, materialistic.  I had qualities on that list that aren't really THAT important to me.   These were not things I expected of myself.  How can I expect them of someone else if I can't hold up my end of it? For example, one thing on my list was "He drives a truck."  Essentially, I was telling myself that I would not date a guy unless he drove a truck!  Seriously.  I surprise myself, sometimes, at my own childishness.  Sure, a truck is nice, but it should not be a deal-breaker.

Once I came to my own little revelation, I decided it was time to revise my list.  I debated blogging about this.  Was this something that I wanted to share with strangers, or keep deep in my heart?  The purpose of me starting this blog was to break out of my post-divorce cocoon and revamp my perspective on life, love, and single-parenting.  Without further adieu...my revised list of Man Must-Haves.

1. Compassion with Action - He must have a heart for others and act on it.  Do something heartfelt for communities in need, even if it's as simple as buying a cup of coffee for a homeless man on a cold day.  One act of compassion will transform the day of two people.
2. Financial Responsibility - You don't have to be rich, but know how to manage your money.  Be frugal when needed, have a rainy day and emergency fund.  Please don't be neck deep in debt while trying to live beyond your means.  It doesn't matter if you have a brand new house and fancy car if you can't enjoy your life because you are chained down by the mortgage company.
3. Passion for Knowledge - Never stop learning.  "Once you stop learning, you start dying" ~ Albert Einstein
4. Selfless - When we take ourselves out of the center of the world, we start to see that we need each other.  People need people.  When the need arises, stop thinking about you and think about someone else, then act on it.
5. Servant's Heart - Combined this with Compassion and Selflessness.  Serve others and serve God.
6. Be a Partner - Not a Boss.  Not a slave.  I want to work along side you to make decisions.  I am too smart to cower beneath you.  I want you to be mature enough for me to feel like I don't have to be in control.
7. Work Hard - Go to work.  Be to work on time.  Work hard.  Please remember that I work hard too.  Even though we both want to crash and burn when we get home from work, there are things that need to be done.  Dishes, dinner, yard work.  Please don't expect me to do it all.
8. Motivate - I like to motivate others.  Please motivate me too.  Maybe it's motivation for exercise or my latest diet attempt.  Sometimes, if I am overwhelmed, I may need some loving motivation.  Please be careful not to crush my spirit when you try to motivate me.  I promise I will do the same for you.
9. Respect my Space - Sometimes I just need to be alone.  It doesn't mean that I don't care about you or that I regret being with you.  It just means that I need some alone-time with my own thoughts and God.  Please understand that I value the chances I get to sleep.  While 3:00AM might be the time you feel like having fun, you will likely awaken a bear.
10. Don't tell me you love me - not until you know it for sure.  Not until you are ready to make a life-long commitment.  One divorce was enough for me.  I promise to do the same.  I will not say it unless I mean it forever...even if you say it first.
11. Love my child - There is a special place heaven for people who love another person's child as their own.  But know this, my baby has been through enough and I will guard her heart the best I can.  Please don't expect to get close to my child unless you are in it for the long haul.  It's painful to pick up the pieces of a child's shattered heart.

Putting this list out there is hard for me.  I'm honestly not sure why I felt I needed to do this.  Maybe I hope some of you guys will read this and think about your relationships with your wife/girlfriend.  Maybe girls, you can start thinking about your absolute must-haves.  Either way.  This is it!  

Until next time...

Apps for Single Parents (or ANY parent)

Being a single parent is challenging.  Where many in-tact homes have two parents to share the responsibilities of parenting, in a single parent home, it's down to one.  One person to cook.  One person to clean.  One person to make sure their child is not using the dog for target practice.  That's a lot of responsibility for one person.

I hit a point about 6 months ago where I broke.  Even after two and a half years of hacking it on my own, I still couldn't get the hang of single parenting.   This, I would imagine, is because with each day, each week, each, month, each year, children grow.  Children learn.  Children discover new things to play with, talk about, question.  When the questions about male and female body parts came up, I remember thinking "Well, there's no app for that."  While that may be true, I did begin to wonder what other apps are out there that might be helpful to a single mom.  So, six months later, here are my top 5 favorites.  

1. Cozi Family Organizer - To-do lists, calender, shopping list, journal.  This app has every "stay organized" essential in one nice, neat package.  
2. Grocery IQ  - This app allows you to find your stores, make a list, organize by isle.  I prefer Cozi for my shopping list, but this is a great app for finding updated coupons.  #Mom-on-a-budget.
3. Pinterest - This one takes some self-control.  It's tempting to sit for hours and find awesome stuff, but if you an have some restraint, you will find a wealth of great recipes, kids crafts, activities, and other essentials.
4. Yelp - When you are out and about and need to find that restaurant, grocery store, toy store, liquor store...Yelp makes it very easy.  GPS updates and maps.
5. Pre-School Monkey Lunchbox - For the road trips and bored child.  I would recommend several apps for the kids to keep them entertained on the road.  Other apps my 5 year-old likes:

• Temple Run
• Talking Tom (the original and Junior)
• Angry Birds
• Hill Climb Racing
• Fruit Ninja
• Flow free (good brain game)

I am always on the prowl for other apps to make points of my life a little easier.  I'm sure there will be reviews down the road.  As always, share your favorites!  

Until next time...

Dating Advice from Me to Me

A recent conversation with a friend went something like this:

Friend:  So, are you dating anyone?
Me:  No.  I  haven't dated in years.
Friend:  Why not? 
Me:  It's not that I don't want to.  I just can't seem to meet any men worth dating.
Friend:  Well, what are you looking for in a man?
Me:  A pulse.
Friend:  Where have you looked? 
Me:  I haven't really looked anywhere.  I mean, I get out to the grocery store, and church, and run errands.  Of course there are fun places I go with my kid, but I haven't really met any single men that I would date.  Hell, half the time I don't even know if they are single.
Friend:  Honey, they aren't going to magically show up at your door...and you probably won't find him at the petting zoo. 

Reality bites, and quite frankly, I hated my friend for about 10 minutes because she was right.  When my child is away, I take time to catch up on sleep, do chores, deep clean the house and fantasize about Chris Hemsworth in an apron, cooking dinner while a shirtless Ryan Reynolds landscapes my under-attended yard. 

I pretty much brushed off the conversation that day, until I had a chance encounter with with my ex-husband and HE made a snarky comment about me not having a boyfriend then suggested that maybe I wanted a "girlfriend" instead.  I had a few choice words for his unwelcomed opinion. Let me clarify something.  I have nothing against people who prefer same-sex relationships.  I fully support and love many of my gay friends, but suggesting that I try batting for the other team is like telling Perez Hilton to give it a go with Dana Loesch.  That was the nudge that sent me plummeting into depths of the dating pit again.  In all reality, I DO want to date. Not for revenge. Not for self-affirmation.  I just want to have fun with some guy/Greek God and see where it goes.  It's that human nature thing.

Of course, I started shuffling through online articles and found so much conflicting information that my head was spinning.  Dr. Phil said I need to get in touch with myself.  A psychiatry site said I need to get in touch with them.  Glamour said I need to be independent and confident.  Another site said I should be vulnerable.

It was quite obvious that I wasn't going to get much help there. I'm almost convinced that I harbor some OCD tendencies, because the first thing I did after beating my head against the wall was make a list of dating advice to myself.  (If you have read my previous posts, you can probably guess that I have a secret love affair with listing.)  I had to dig down deep, and look at my own life, rather than let someone else clump me into some stereotypical divorced woman's category.

My Dating Advice to Me:

1. Ryan Reynolds will not mow your yard.  Get out and do it yourself, but before you do, make a trip to the hardware store and ask for lawn maintenance advice from the hottest guy you can find without a wedding ring.
2. Get out of your comfort zone.  If you haven't found "HIM" at the local coffee shop or the bar down the road, chances are you won't find him there anytime soon.  He won't pop up when you open your Kindle or materialize from a pint of Ben and Jerry's.  This is the hardest for me, a self-proclaimed creature of habit.
3. Dress up.  The only thing he will likely notice about the 1999 t-shirt and yoga pants is that you would make a good feature on People of WalMart.
4. Wear the right bra.  I know you LOVE that sports bra, but trust me, girlfriend.  It's not doing you any favors.
5. Break out the body spray.  Eau de Clorox is not a pheromone accentuating fragrance.
6. Smile.  Go ahead. Don't be bashful.  Flash those pearly whites and look a cutie in the eye.
7. You know that cute guy who also happens to be a divorced work-a-holic?  Talk to him.
8. Speaking of work-a-holic, set aside those contracts and to-do lists for a bit.  Leave your work at work for at least one day.
9. Open your eyes!  Chances are, some cute little number has probably noticed you, but you were to busy staring at the ground and contemplating joining a convent to notice.  WAKE UP!
10. Perfect the eyes.  Practice that "I'm interested" look in the mirror.
11. Go for the face-to-face gusto and set aside the thoughts of online dating.  I know.  I know.  It works for many people, but honey, it's just not for you right now.  
12. Work it, don't twerk it.  Really.  You are almost 40 years old and have no business trying to keep up with the 20-somethings.  If that's not what you want to attract, then opt for the age appropriate walk/talk/stance.

I give myself some pretty good advice, if I do say so myself.  Now, the trick is to take it.
Feel free to add your two cents, dating advice, etc.  Who knows.  Maybe you hold the key to my happy romance.

Au Revoir!

Letter to Married People from a Divorcee

Dear Married Person:

There has been more than one occasion over the past three years that I have had to come face to face with the big, hot pink elephant in the room called "Divorce."  It rears its ugly head far too often.  Today, a friend of mine mentioned in an innocent conversation that they are adamantly opposed to divorce and that should never be an option.  She went on to tell the group how marriages should be, what should and should not happen, and how the law should handle situations of divorce.

I love my friend, but there are a few things that need to be explained about my elephant.   I'm a list maker, so you will have to forgive my impersonal style.

1. Divorce is not contagious.  You wont "catch" it from me.  If my own divorce causes you to question the stability of your marriage, then maybe you need to closely examine your own situation.  Don't bring your divorced friend into the picture as justification for your own relationship choices.
2. It's not a scarlet letter.  I have yet to meet a person who gets married with the thought "Well, if it doesn't work out, there's always divorce!"   I had the same dream that many of you had:  Dancing to "OUR" song on our 50th anniversary; sitting on the front porch swing when we are 75 and still in love.  I firmly believe it takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.  That means that one person can't do it on their own.  Two people have to choose to forgive.  Two people have to choose to make it work.  If only one person makes the right choice, it will not be enough.
3. I am not anti-social since my divorce.  I would LOVE to be able to go on that "girl" trip. I would love to go to the company party.  The reality is, I now have a home to keep and a child to raise BY MYSELF. I can't always get a babysitter.  The time I have with my child is cut in half.  I value every moment that I DO have. 
4. The "couples" thing brings out the elephant.  I really do appreciate the invitation to join you, your spouse, and other couples for a night out, but honestly, it sling-shots me back to college and a third-wheel scenario.  It's still strange to be around couples, who talk about their relationships and family when you are the odd man out.  I am happy for you, I am, but that is just not something I can relate to anymore.  That doesn't mean I don't want time with my friends. I just enjoy time in another setting.
5. It's OK to talk about your marriage an how happy you are.  Really.  I am glad!  I wish more marriages would not fail.  It gives me hope for the future to hear about your good marriage.  This is not like the couples outing, where I feel like the odd man out.  This is two friends, talking.  Who knows, maybe I can learn something from you.

My elephant does not have to be YOUR elephant.  I am still learning how to deal with this change in my life.  I hope I always keep learning.  Just, please, understand that we divorcees have different battles to fight than you have to face.  Don't give up on us.  We still want to be your friend, we just need to figure out how to adjust to this new and scary life.

Sincerely, 
Your Divorced Friend

P.S.  I am renaming my elephant Samantha.  It sounds better than "Divorce."

Social Media and the Tween/Teen Parent

     Picture Credit:  http://collegian.tccd.edu/?p=6240

Illustration by Eric Rebosio/The Collegian

 
So, you have a tween/teen and you know every website they view and every social media account they have, right?  Maybe you do, but maybe you don't.  Many kids are honest about their social media adventures, but they often omit certain pieces of information that they don't feel is important for a parent to know.  Why?  Maybe they don't see it as a big deal.  Maybe they are afraid that you will make them delete their account.  Keep reading.  I'm going to line out some things you need to know about tweens and teens in social media.  These are my limited personal discoveries and experience...barely a drop in the bucket.

Misconceptions Parents Have About Teens and Technology

1. You have to be a techno-ninja.  FALSE:  You don't have to be a technological genius and super sleuth to keep on top of your child's internet adventures.  You just need to know what is out there what it's about, and how to talk honestly with your kids.
2.  My kids don't have a social media account because I don't let them.  Likely FALSE.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying your kid is a liar.  Maybe you have told your child they can't have a Facebook or Instagram account.  Maybe you have told them that Myspace is off limits.  They probably don't have one, but you need to know that there are a plethora of social media sites that kids are into that you may not know about and you didn't tell them that THOSE are off limits.  I will get into those later.
3. I know they aren't on these sites because I monitor their computer and phone use.  Then, they probably aren't on them...at home at least.  Think about all the places your child has access to the internet, other than home.  School (though most have social media blocked)?  Library?  Friends house?  Do they delete their history before you can see it?  Again, most kids don't try to hide their activity unless you are a the parent that they see as overly controlling or  they don't see it as a threat.  Your child is likely NOT one to go behind your back and they are likely NOT trying to be defiant but you have to understand the peer pressure that kids face...especially if their friends are on those sites.  I'm going to be honest with you here.  There are some positives to letting kids have social media accounts and safeguards that can be followed.  I will hit on those later.
4. I don't need a social media account.  You DO need a social media account of some sort.  Even if you NEVER post a thing, you should have an account so you can be familiar with what is going on.  If nothing else, you need to spend some time on those sites, periodically.  You need to see what public profiles are posting.  These are the things your kids will see.  As much as you may want to, you can't lock your kids in a closet and hide them from the scary internet world, but you can help them see it in a safer light.

What's Out There?

What are the trending social media places for kids?  Please note that this list may change as new social media sites are added often.

1. Facebook - Many kids have a Facebook account, but be aware that this overly popular social media site is drawing in a more adult crowd, and kids are moving to other places.
2. MySpace - Not as many kids are on MySpace these days, but it still makes the list.
3. Instagram - Kids snap and post pictures and others comments.  Seems harmless, but what people post can be shocking and borderline illegal.
4. Snapchat - This is a fairly new, and quite honestly, dangerous app/program.  It allows a person to snap a picture and send it to another user.  The appeal is that the image self destructs in a predetermined amount of time (5 or 10 seconds or so)?  Sounds safer than posting on Instagram, right?  Maybe, but the trend has been dangerous for some of our tween/teen girls who think its safe to snap a quick and inappropriate  picture to send to their boyfriend.  Problem is this...while the image is short-lived, it's easy enough for someone to screenshot the image and save it to their device.
5. Twitter - Many kids and parents use this to keep up with the latest news snaps from schools, businesses, celebrities, etc.  
6. G+ - This hasn't caught on with kids yet.  It's more popular for groups that want to professionally network.
7. Pinterest - This is far more popular with adults.  A fun and easy way to pin your favorite stuff on the web.  While some content is not appropriate for tweens/teens, it seems that there is far less risk for the dangers that I will talk about shortly.
8. Vine - a new, Twitter-created, site where users can post a 6-second long video for others to see.  They are already seeing quite a number of users posting inappropriate content.  SURPRISE!
9. KIK - an instant messaging app.  You have to know a persons username to message them.  Check out more about it from http://www.bewebsmart.com/internet-safety/is-kik-okay-for-kids/

There are more.  There are always more.  There will always be more.  The list above is just what is trending at the moment.  If you know of others please comment and share with other parents.

NOW...The Dangers

The biggest dangers for kids is social media is cyber-bullying, sexting, and of course, child predators.

There are several sites that post information and recent statistics on Cyber-bullying.  In a nutshell, here are the important things to remember:

• Traditional bullying is more prominent, but cyber-bulling is on a slow rise.  Since the realization that some kids are using the internet and social media to bully (likely because they think they are less likely to get caught), there has been a crack-down, increased legal consequences, and heightened awareness that this trend does, indeed, exist.
• Cyber-bullying can promote low-self esteem, ideas of suicide, and behavioral issues both in and out of school.

Resources for the information above include:
http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/cyber-bullying-statistics.html
http://www.cyberbullying.us/research.php
 Sexting is a frighteningly growing trend with our teens.  Girls and guys often send inappropriate pictures/texts to their boyfriends (and sometimes complete strangers) then, before you know it, half the school has seen your child naked.

•  Almost 30% of 14-24 year-old who admit to sexting say they have sent nude picture to complete strangers
• Almost 40% of teens have sent sexually suggestive or sexually explicit messages
• 22% of 14-17 year-old have sent a nude picture to someone
•  From the FBI site " An 18-year-old high school graduate committed suicide after a nude photo she had transmitted via her cell phone to her boyfriend also was sent to hundreds of teenagers in her school. Other students, who apparently continued to forward the image, allegedly harassed the girl."

Resources for the above information include:
http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-sexting
http://www.fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/law-enforcement-bulletin/july-2010/sexting

Child predators are, by far, the greatest concern with our kids.  Check out these stats/findings:

• Over half of the victims of internet sexual predators of minors are usually between the ages of 12 and 15.
• The majority of victims are girls
• Victims usually meet the predatory willingly
• Predators often meet victims in online chat rooms
• Approximately 1 in 25 youth are aggressively solicited online, asked to take sexually oriented pictures and distressed about online solicitations
•  Predators seeking to meet children face-to-face often use bogus online identities, leading kids to believe they are talking to another person their age.

These are staggering and eye-opening statistics.

Resources for the information above include:
http://www.nsopr.gov/en/Education/FactsMythsStatistics
http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/internet-crimes/factsheet_1in7.html
http://www.fbi.gov/news/stories/2011/may/predators_051711

TIPS and Suggestions for Parents

1. TALK to your kids.  Have honest conversations about what they do.  DON'T go ten shades of crazy of them.  If you do, they are far less likely to be honest with you about what they say and do online.  Talk to them about why you won't let them have an account yet, when they CAN have an account, and the safety that goes along with it.  Talk to them about safety, child predators, what to look for, how to handle cyber-bullying.  You can find some great tips for those conversations HERE
2. Set boundaries.  If you allow them to have accounts, let them know that you will have their log-ins and passwords and that, because you love and care about them, you will check periodically to make sure everything is ok.  This way, you are less likely to be seen as poking around their business.
3. Create your own account and require that your child add you as a friend/follower.
4. Don't come down too hard if you see your kid or their friends cussing.  This is a talking point for you and a good time to bring up the "How do you really want people to see you?" discussion.  It's also a good time to talk about Digital Footprints.  Check out more about digital footprints from http://www.cybersmart.gov.au/Kids/Get%20the%20facts/Digital%20footprint.aspx
5. Understand that peer pressure is an issue.  Their relationship with you, is different than the relationship that they have with their peers.
6. Don't be blind.  Know that your child is at a point in their lives where they have to make some pretty tough social decisions and that they may do this through social media...with OR without your knowledge.  BE PROACTIVE!
7. Understand that there are good things about social media.  It CAN be a positive way for tweens/teens to interact with their friends in their own, strange, alien, teenage way.
8. For your own sanity.  Don't be "that" parent.  You know...the one that does the inappropriate posting of bikini clad bodies, sex talk, and general stupidity.  Your children will do as you do, not as you say.

This post BARELY scratches the surface.  There are entire websites devoted solely to this topic.  These are just the key points to get your brain in gear thinking about what is out there and how to handle it.  I highly encourage you to do your research.  Find more information.  SHARE that information.

If you have other facts, stats, information, or general comments, please share!  

5 Movies Single Women (and some men) Should and Should not see

Before I even begin, let me preface this by saying that I lean toward the edge of chicken.  I don't do horror movies, even when I am not alone.  Some of these suggestions are for those of you in my circle of single mom/dad/person chicken-hood.  I fully realize that some of you are Van Helsing with breasts.  Kudos to you.

Let's start with the "Avoid" list:

#1:  The Strangers - A couple is terrorized in a vacation home by some unknowns.  Just thinking about this movie has me wanting to clean up the .45.  Every little bump in the night is all of the sudden a masked murderer out for my psychological torture and blood.  I like sleep....no...I LOVE sleep.  On a psycho torture scale of one to 10, this is a solid 9.

#2:  Blair Witch Project- Three brave little film students set out to make a documentary about the infamous Blair Witch in Maryland, never to return.  I remember the first time I saw this movie, I was in college,  and much less chicken.  I watched it about 3 or 4 times, because it was so fast paced and jumpy that I always found some little detail I missed.  Every little breaking tree branch sound was ingrained in my head.  So, the bad part was that summer I spent a couple of months camping in the woods.  Every night, I could hear tree branches crack and break.  I was convinced that any moment I would be snatched from my tent and all that would remain would be a bag of bloody teeth.  SO WHAT you may say?  I still camp in the woods!.  Creep, creep, creep.

#3:  The Notebook:  Epic story of true love and lost love.  Seriously...I spend too much time trying to get my mascara just right and a snot stained pillow isn't any more appealing.  Those kind of love stories are NOT meant to boost the overly sensitive, super sappy single spirit.

#4:  Titanic:  This has nothing to do with history.  It's all about love and love lost.  Worthy of a bottle of wine and antidepressants. 

#5: Pretty Woman:  Nothing makes you feel as inadequate as watching a movie where a hooker gets the man of her dreams while you sit alone with a bag of Cheetos and a gallon of ice cream.

In all seriousness, the movies above all all pretty good flicks, if you like that kind of stuff.  To keep your sanity and and avoid the urge to jump off the nearest bridge or adopt a cat, just pass them up.

Now for my faves list.  When I am in a movie mode, these and movies like these, are my go-tos:

#1:  Eat, Pray, Love:  A woman rediscovers herself with gelato, friendship, and spiritual awakening.  Yes, there is the love element, but it gives us single folks some hope, assuming we don't have to travel around the world to find it.

#2:  Salt: Why?  Because Angelina Jolie takes ass kicking to a new level!  Any movie with tough, independent women is always a good bet.

#3: Miss Congeniality:  Again, the woman is the heroine (Sandra Bullock is just awesome anyway).  Comedy + a little action makes a great, feel-good, movie night.

#4: The Avengers:  I only put this on here because Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans haunt my dreams.  Good movie, good scenery. Just do it.

#5:  Single Mom's Club:  I'm being presumptive here, since it doesn't actually come out until this Friday.  However, the idea of a group of single moms that band together reminds me of a modern day Ya-Ya sisterhood.

#6:  Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood:  OK, so I added an extra movie, but it is worth the add.  This is a movie about the bond between women that had every group of friends screaming "YA-YA!" in every beer joint and every Red Hat Society meeting around the country. 

So this is the list.  There are lots of great new movies in theaters that look worthy of a go.  So, support your artists, and check them out.  Voila. It is done.

No Matches Found

I'm an ambitious procrastinator.  I tend to have great ideas and start a project, but not finish it.  This blog is a project I never started in the first place, though the idea to get one going came about 5 months ago, when they said I was unmatchable.  Take a seat by the fire, kick off your heals, grab a glass of wine, and learn about the world of dating...again.

I guess I shouldn't say "dating."  I haven't actually been on a date in years.  Let me back up a step.  My child (my pride, my joy, my tiny version of me) stays with the ex about 40% of the time.  I hate it.  When Child is gone, that is when the loneliness starts to edge in.  When Child is gone, it's just me:  no little messes to pick up; no extra laundry to do; no one to wake me up at 6:00 AM on a Saturday to make pancakes and play pirates.  

One weekend, while Child was at the ex's, loneliness got the best of me.  I'm not one that is confident enough to go out and mingle and meet a guy.  Think about it:  late thirties, a few (OK a few times two) extra pounds, and that nagging voice of a jerkish ex-husband in the back of my mind, telling me that I could be prettier if ________________.  Now, I am not feeling sorry for myself.  I'm not bad looking and I can doll up pretty well.  I'm not TOTALLY lacking confidence...but at times I do.  The dating pool is pretty shallow where I live, to top it off. 

Anyways, one weekend, I decided to try out the online dating thing.  I created an account with a "reputable" site, which will remain nameless.  I found my best pictures that brought out all my best features.  I carefully, but honestly, answered all the questions.  I didn't put too many limits on the type of guy I was looking for.  When I was done, I was sure I would have an inbox full of prospects in no time.  

Then it happened...the MESSAGE.  That nagging little box that popped up out of the blue and said, in a nutshell, "We are sorry.  We couldn't find any matches for you, but try again some other time."  It might as well have said "Hey, sorry about that.  You might try a biker bar.  We hear the animal shelter has lots of cats to adopt."

I'm...not...matchable??  Come on...I have seen some of the couples walking around, and thought "Well, now, there's somebody for everybody."  But, not for me?  I had a good week-long pout about that.
Since then, I still have those moments where loneliness rears its ugly head, but overall, I am content.  I have found definite advantages to being single, like, not having to close the bathroom door, half the laundry, and no dirty underwear laying on the piano.

One day, though, maybe my real prince will come.  Let's just hope he's not another toad in disguise.