Lions, Tigers, and Co-parents

Photo from

http://womenonthefence.com/2012/04/04/tips-for-co-parenting-after-divorce/

Co-Parenting is not easy.  As a matter of fact, it's one of the hardest things to do.  I'm a little jealous of those divorced parents who have a very amicable relationship and are able to actually work together to make decisions for their child.   That's not us.  Our co-parenting relationship is a little one-sided.

Now, this is not a "bash my ex" post.  I make my share of mistakes and I am more than willing to be accountable for them, but there are some obvious differences that make me want to pull my hair out.  We have good days and we have bad days.  It took me almost a decade of relationship/marriage to figure out how to bargain with my ex-husband.  Its aggravating that I still have to do this when it comes to my child but sadly, that is the reality that I and many single parents face.  I am learning as I go, but there are a few things I have figured out when one parent wants to work with the other, but the other does not.

BREATHE
Before I point out a fault of my ex-husband, I try to point out one of my own.  It's not fair to place all blame on him but take none for myself.  We both made mistakes.  I like to be in control.  I don't mind comprise, and working together, but if I don't fully trust someone's judgement, I would rather take charge.  While it may seem logical at times, it does nothing to build a relationship, and it make the other person feel belittled.  I never trusted my ex's judgement.  He tended to make decision based on his wants rather than the needs of the group.  He often put himself before his family, and that was not OK with me.  He still does this.  What school he wants our child to attend is about his convenience, not her education.  Paying for his toys comes before paying child support.  When someone disagrees with him, it's a conspiracy.  These are the things that drive me insane.  This is when I have to breathe.  It does no good to argue about the school.  We live in a big city.  She attends her zoned school.  He lives on the opposite end of the city.  He will just have to drive.  Breathe.  I will always budget with the assumption that I won't receive child support, and think of it as a nice bonus when I DO get it.  Breathe.  His conspiracy theories are a product of his own insecurities, not an evil plot by the people around him.  Breathe.

GET A SHOVEL

I am logical, almost to a fault.  I tend to over-analyze everything so that I can make a honest assessment.  Sometimes, I don't think before I speak, and a some times hurtful honesty comes spilling out.  That is a fault .  My ex-husband takes the other extreme.  He fluffs a story with extra details and exaggerations.  Most people see through his stories right away, or at least question them, because he always takes to that level that the story becomes unbelievable.  One day, when we were married, I asked him when he would do that.  He actually admitted that he did it because it made the story better and he wanted to have his moment in the spotlight.  I guess that is one quality that makes him so successful in his Marketing career.  Unfortunately, it's a habit for him.  A disrespectful comment from our daughter becomes a screaming tantrum with flying dishes and broken lamps.  Get a shovel.  The truth is down there somewhere.  A trip/fall on the side walk becomes "I can't pick her up today because I almost died when I fell on the sidewalk, slammed into a fire hydrant and ricocheted into the street in front of a speeding bus."  Get a shovel.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY (A.K.A Play the Game)
I know this may sound manipulative, but sometimes the only way to keep from an unnecessary argument is to deploy the ultimate weapon...reverse psychology.  Don't get me wrong.  I will give on some things.  He wants our daughter to play soccer.  I'm not keen on that because she has showed no interest and it's expensive.  OK...I'll let him have this one.  He wants to enter our daughter in a beauty pageant.  Again, not crazy about this, but I will bend.  So what about the things that I will NOT bend on, like her school or her chores at my house.  For example, he has certain chores that she has to do daily at his house.  He wants me to make her do those exact same chores at my house.  I have different chores for her to do and, no, I am not going to rearrange my life to match his.  I have found in situations like these, if I play dumb, and ask him for "advice" on how to make that happened, while strategically playing devil's advocate, he will eventually give.  The downside is that he never really understands that we lead two different lives.  He will never realize that our child has to adjust to that, so he needs some patience.  All that is really happening is that he thinks when he agrees to something that I feel is best, it is his idea.

BE THE BETTER
I have been through the fights.  One thing I will say is that I have never used my child to get back at my ex-husband.  I have never used her as a negotiating tool, and I never will, regardless of how he is.  When we went through the divorce, he did not agree to some of the terms I wanted for my child.  Terms that I felt would help to ease the transition from a whole family to a broken home.  Things that I was willing to fight for.  When the judge agreed to my terms, my ex went to extreme lengths, called CPS, made very specific accusations of neglect and abuse.  I was appalled.  The man who came to investigate, ruled out those accusations and the ex was reprimanded for filing a false report out of revenge.  Yes, he stooped that low.  I was not worried about the investigation and my reputation.  I knew it would be cleared immediately.  I WAS worried about my child.  She had been through so much, and it was scary for her to have a stranger ask her such personal questions.  I hated my ex husband for doing that to her.  A child is not a bargaining chip.  Always be the better person.  The children will see the difference in their own time.  When he goes on a rant, be the better.  When he makes false accusations, bet the better.  Never stoop to the level you hate.

BREATHE, GET A SHOVEL, PLAY THE GAME, BE THE BETTER

Will it always be this hard?  Probably, and I will learn more as I go.  Maybe...just maybe...one day I will get the hang of this.