On Being Single

Over the past coupe of weeks, I have been running relentlessly between work, this practice or that practice for my daughter, keeping up with the house after getting home after 8:00 every night....and so on and so on.  Somewhere in there I have managed to find time to throw pitty parties over my single life.  I think I went through every woe in the book.  "I have to do all this alone."  "The bed feels so empty." "My dog can't hold a conversation."  Over Easter weekend, while my daughter was with her father, I sunk into a book.  At one point that Saturday, I actually crawled out from under my rock, got dressed up with my best hair and make-up and decided to go out an explore my fine city.  I got as far as the end of my block before I turned around and went right back home.  I had no idea where I was going, why I was going, what I wanted to do.  So, I went back home, scrubbed my faced and sunk back into my fictional world. It was pitiful.  Truly pitiful.  

For the past few days I have felt the same way.  Unworthy, unattractive, unnoticed.  I go through these phases at times (usually when I am alone).  What makes it worse is the little bit of guilt I have when I actually do enjoy the alone time.  I always feel like I should miss my daughter every moment that she is gone.  The reality is I DO miss her...terribly, but I also realize that the time apart gives me a chance to rejuvenate that some single parents, with no co-parent, never have.  It's a needed time to keep your sanity.  What snapped me out of it today was a conversation with a fellow divorcee who is also battling the lonely bug.  So, now I've moved to a "I'm not looking" phase. 

I sat down tonight and realized that there really are some benefits to being single.  Do they trump the desire for companionship?  Not really, but they take out a little of the sting.  They really are nice benefits that I never had when I was married (mainly because I felt more like a maid and keeper than a wife).

Half the Laundry
Half the dishes
Not fighting for covers in bed
Being able to lay in bed all day and read a book
Not having to "check in"
Going when I feel like going
Eating when I feel like eating
Eating WHAT I feel like eating
Leaving my curling iron on the bathroom counter
Not fighting over the TV remote
Watching "chick flicks" when I want
Reading in bed without complaints about the light
Not having to wake another person up for work or school
Talking to who I want to talk to
Taking off on a random roadtrip
Leaving my nail polish on the coffee table
Not having to fight the toilet seat battle

Then sometimes...just sometimes...I would give anything to have those burdens back (not too often, though)

Your Past Does not Define You

Dreamstime.com

Your past does not define you.  Your trials do not define you.  You are defined by who you are right now and the choices you make.

• Buzz Aldrin struggled with depression and alcoholism.
• Franklin D. Roosevelt was paralyzed from the waste down.
• Albert Einstein failed math.
• JK Rowling is a single mom.
• Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper be cause they said he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.
• Jim Carry was homeless for a while.
• Charlize Theron saw her mother kill her father.

Your past does not define you.  Your trials do not define you.  You are defined by who you are right now and the choices you make.

Choose wisely, and let go of your past.

God's Not Dead

Picture from http://godsnotdeadthemovie.com/ 

From one Christian's perspective on the movie, God's Not Dead (Check out my challenge to viewers at the end).

What a few others are saying about it...

The Good...(these were hard to find and mostly (not surprisingly) from Christian sites.

"This movie is a powerful tool to remind every viewer: God is certainly not dead!" ~ The Dove Foundation

"I highly recommend this movie to believers. If you are an apologist seeking to evaluate this movie with the academic rigor of the classroom, you may be disappointed in some areas. I would not recommend you looking for something in this movie that would stretch you. However, I believe it will encourage you. " - Ratio Christi

"The film is slickly produced, with a competent cast..." Stephen Farber (The Hollywood reporter)

"With biblically orthodox Christian faith under unprecedented attack in America today, 'God's Not Dead' is a timely and thought-provoking look at religious freedom and standing up for your faith and convictions," said Chris Stone, certified brand strategist and founder of Faith Driven Consumer (Via Christian Post)

The Bad (these were all over the place, so I picked some of the most critical)....

"Less-than-heavenly production values show through the shot-in-Louisiana pic at every turn." Scott Foundas (Variety)

"All these are aimed at faith promotion, a good and worthy cause, but they are just so heavy handed, it's hard to take them seriously." Steve Salles (The Standard Examiner) 

"While that may be a welcome piece of news to those who were entertaining any doubts, the message movie that endeavors to proclaim such reassurance from the big screen turns out to be earnest but ineffective." John Mulderig Catholic News Service

"... the overall tone of God’s Not Dead is a bit heavy-handed; its message does not seem entirely effective when it only serves to preach to the choir." Hollywood Life 

The Scathing...(a couple out of a few)

"Even by the rather lax standards of the Christian film industry, God’s Not Dead is a disaster. It’s an uninspired amble past a variety of Christian-email-forward boogeymen that feels far too long at just 113 minutes. Resembling a megachurch more than a movie, it’s been designed not to convey any particular message, but to reinforce the stereotypes its chosen audience already holds." AV Club 

"The few characters that are not Christians in the film are depicted as satanic creatures, malevolent beings incapable of contributing joy to this world. According to the film, all Atheists are strident intellectuals who act immorally and with reckless abandon, putting down anyone “of faith” without giving them an opportunity to speak." Film School Rejects

***These two reviews, in particular, along with a post by James Kirk Wall about an interview with Sorbo, are the ones that really had me agonizing over this post.  Their comments were so lopsided and critical of the targeted Christian audience (not just the movie).  I wanted to make sure that anything I wrote did not sink to a level of ineffectiveness that it failed to offer a sound opinion and personal insight about the movie without placing a target on the back of other beliefs. Hyper-critical posts,such as those above, venomously stereotype Christians in the same way that they accuse Christians of stereotyping non-believers.  

FROM MY PERSPECTIVE...

The super brief story: (watch the MOVIE TRAILER)

The few characters that are not Christians in the film are depicted as satanic creatures, malevolent beings incapable of contributing joy to this world. According to the film, all Atheists are strident intellectuals who act immorally and with reckless abandon, putting down anyone “of faith” without giving them an opportunity to speak. Of course the irony is unbelievably rich, as it is director Harold Cronk who is not giving the opposition a chance to chime in. The dialogue Atheist characters are forced to spew is often mean-spirited, close-minded and idiotic.
Read more at http://filmschoolrejects.com/reviews/gods-not-dead.php#e8fLtsViqoUlHE8z.99

The few characters that are not Christians in the film are depicted as satanic creatures, malevolent beings incapable of contributing joy to this world. According to the film, all Atheists are strident intellectuals who act immorally and with reckless abandon, putting down anyone “of faith” without giving them an opportunity to speak. Of course the irony is unbelievably rich, as it is director Harold Cronk who is not giving the opposition a chance to chime in. The dialogue Atheist characters are forced to spew is often mean-spirited, close-minded and idiotic
Read more at http://filmschoolrejects.com/reviews/gods-not-dead.php#e8fLtsViqoUlHE8z.99

The few characters that are not Christians in the film are depicted as satanic creatures, malevolent beings incapable of contributing joy to this world. According to the film, all Atheists are strident intellectuals who act immorally and with reckless abandon, putting down anyone “of faith” without giving them an opportunity to speak. Of course the irony is unbelievably rich, as it is director Harold Cronk who is not giving the opposition a chance to chime in. The dialogue Atheist characters are forced to spew is often mean-spirited, close-minded and idiotic
Read more at http://filmschoolrejects.com/reviews/gods-not-dead.php#e8fLtsViqoUlHE8z.99

The few characters that are not Christians in the film are depicted as satanic creatures, malevolent beings incapable of contributing joy to this world. According to the film, all Atheists are strident intellectuals who act immorally and with reckless abandon, putting down anyone “of faith” without giving them an opportunity to speak. Of course the irony is unbelievably rich, as it is director Harold Cronk who is not giving the opposition a chance to chime in. The dialogue Atheist characters are forced to spew is often mean-spirited, close-minded and idiotic.
Read more at http://filmschoolrejects.com/reviews/gods-not-dead.php#e8fLtsViqoUlHE8z.99

The few characters that are not Christians in the film are depicted as satanic creatures, malevolent beings incapable of contributing joy to this world. According to the film, all Atheists are strident intellectuals who act immorally and with reckless abandon, putting down anyone “of faith” without giving them an opportunity to speak. Of course the irony is unbelievably rich, as it is director Harold Cronk who is not giving the opposition a chance to chime in. The dialogue Atheist characters are forced to spew is often mean-spirited, close-minded and idiotic.
Read more at http://filmschoolrejects.com/reviews/gods-not-dead.php#e8fLtsViqoUlHE8z.99

The few characters that are not Christians in the film are depicted as satanic creatures, malevolent beings incapable of contributing joy to this world. According to the film, all Atheists are strident intellectuals who act immorally and with reckless abandon, putting down anyone “of faith” without giving them an opportunity to speak. Of course the irony is unbelievably rich, as it is director Harold Cronk who is not giving the opposition a chance to chime in. The dialogue Atheist characters are forced to spew is often mean-spirited, close-minded and idiotic.
Read more at http://filmschoolrejects.com/reviews/gods-not-dead.php#e8fLtsViqoUlHE8z.99

The movie centers around a Christian college freshman who is challenged by his atheist philosophy professor to prove the existence of God.  This is the nucleus around which 5 other characters revolve.  

The Technical Stuff:
I have to agree with some of the negative posts when it comes to the general layout of the movie  I am in no way a critic,nor do I have any background in film or performing arts.  However, even to the untrained eye, I could sense that the movie sequencing was off and there were some mediocre actors.  The plot was jumpy.  It took me a bit to catch on and keep up with what was happening in the lives of the characters.  It was clearly not produced for sheer entertainment value, but to deliver a message.  Unfortunately, that message is hard to see if you can't keep up with flips and flops.

The Cast:

Professor Radisson (Kevin Sorbo) - His portrayal is the extreme version of bitter, angry atheist.  The character has brought much criticism from the atheist community, who see it as an attack and stereotype that would lead people to believe all atheists are bad, evil, people.   

Josh Wheaton (Shane Harper) - The freshman pre-law major who must decide to sit back and deny his beliefs to the atheist professor, or stand up and defend them.  Not only does he have to deal with the overly aggressive prof, he has to deal with the impacts of his decision to stand up for his faith with an unsupportive girlfriend and family while potentially destroying his future career. 


Reverend Dave (David A.R. White) - a hip minister who plays a small role in the decision of Josh to defend the existence of God.  He is fighting his own battle that many Christians face...wondering if he is where God wants him to be.

Mark (Dean Cain) - The successful executive.  He is brute, selfish, and the extreme version of a narcissist.

Amy Ryan (Trisha LaFache) - A super liberal reporter and girlfriend of Mark.  She is out for blood on any issues that are part of her agenda, including Christianity and animal rights.  Then her world is turned upside down with a cancer diagnosis.

Mina (Cory Oliver) - The Christian girlfriend of Prof. Radisson.  She struggles with being in a relationship with an atheist who not only has different beliefs, but openly criticizes hers.

Ayisha (Hadeel Sittu) - A Muslim raised college student who must hide her conversion to Christianity from her very traditional Muslim family lest she be disowned.

Of course, there was a cameo by Willie and Korie Robertson and a nice performance by the Newsboys

If you have not seen the movie and want to, be warned there is a spoiler or two ahead, so skip to the end.  If you have seen it, won't see it, or don't care....then by all means read on.

ATTENTION!  SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER

I do not read reviews before I see a movie.  I want to form my own opinion.  I have to admit, after the movie, I was still unsure of it's intention.  Even After I read numerous reviews, I was still unsure.  Some believed it was to provide evidence and sway the beliefs of agnostics.  Some stated it was evangelistic Christian propaganda aimed at discrediting science and portraying non-believers as evil, ruthless, and heartless.  Christian reviews claimed it to be an inspirational argument for the existence of God and story of faith.  The God's Not Dead official movie website did not set out a particular purpose.  What it did say is this: "The film will educate, entertain, and inspire moviegoers to explore what they really believe about God, igniting important conversations and life-changing decisions."

Was the intent to sway people who are on the fence about God to a direction of belief?  If so, it may have fallen shorter than they had planned unless someone is closer to believing than not.  

Was it to "bash" the big bad atheist?  No.  I don't believe it was.  While it may seem that way, you have to remember that movies often take extreme and almost unbelievable stances to make a point or provoke thought and conversation.  Look at movies like What Dreams May Come, Flatliners, Footloose (there's one with an condemning Christian father), 2012.  They all have extreme and unbelievable components, yet still make you think.  Besides, you have to account for Josh's girlfriend...a Christian, who dumps him for her own agenda.  It's not the religion that is demeaning, it is the human nature that believers have not surrendered.

Was the intent to bring to light the battles of freedom of religion in schools?  The end credits and cited court cases might lead one to believe so, but the lack of that topic being addressed during the movie says otherwise.

If the intent was to do as stated in the website, "educate, entertain, and inspire moviegoers to explore what they really believe about God" then I believe that was accomplished...at least among believers and those "closer to believing" agnostics.  Unfortunately, the "unbelievability factor," I fear, narrowed the target audience.

I am aware there that are some Christians that brutally and unlovingly attack those who do not share the same beliefs, but not all are like that.  I am aware that there are some angry, hateful, rude Christians, Atheists, Agnostics, etc.  Every demographic has the extreme few.  No need to be offended.  I promise that not all of us Christians believe you are a bad person.  We are called to love, not to hate.  I am sorry if you have experienced that kind of treatment from Christians.  You do not deserve it.  It is not what God has called us to do. 

Down to the nuts and bolts.  What did I get from this movie?  You really want to know?  I got that we are called to stand up for our beliefs and that it takes bravery and sacrifice to do so at times.  I got that even the strongest Christian feels lost and unsure of God's purpose for our individual lives.  I got that there are people who are facing silent enemies all alone and it is our job as Christians to show them a kind of love that can only come from God.  I got that God is a God of chances.  He gives us every opportunity, but leaves the choice to us to believe and accept that Jesus Christ died for our sins.  I got that Christians need to show love and support to each other and not abandon one another for selfish reasons.  I got that it is scary, but worth it to go against the grain.

My challenge to you:

For Atheists:  If you have seen or plan to see the movie, look past the over-dramatize Hollywood mess and look for the the message behind the extremism.  Look for the pain and emotional turmoil that real people experience.  Look for the positive things that Christians do and say in response to people in pain.  Look for the element of courage to support your beliefs.  Most of all, keep an open mind.  I am not saying you will be swayed, but hopefully you will better understand that the beliefs and personal missions of Christians are not what you may have experienced in the past.

For those on the "fence":  Don't watch this movie looking for the answer to the question of "Does God exist?"  Watch with the intention of understanding that there are others who struggle with doubt.  Watch with the understanding that we (Christians) are not mindless sheep.  There are experiences that you have not had, and that you don't understand yet, but if you are willing to take a chance with this whole faith thing, you might be surprised and what you find.  Faith is not dismissing science.  Faith and science actually go hand in hand.  The difference is that science is fallible because man is fallible.  Faith is not.

For Believers:  Do not go into this movie with the intention of cheering on the defeat of non-believers.  Watch with the intent to be inspired to stand up for your faith with love and compassion. Be inspired, and take action.  Be careful, though, not to believe that all non-believers act like those portrayed in the movie.  Recognize and hash out the Hollywood from the realistic. 

If you want to know if God exists, you have to seek Him. 

GOD IS NOT DEAD 

Lions, Tigers, and Co-parents

Photo from

http://womenonthefence.com/2012/04/04/tips-for-co-parenting-after-divorce/

Co-Parenting is not easy.  As a matter of fact, it's one of the hardest things to do.  I'm a little jealous of those divorced parents who have a very amicable relationship and are able to actually work together to make decisions for their child.   That's not us.  Our co-parenting relationship is a little one-sided.

Now, this is not a "bash my ex" post.  I make my share of mistakes and I am more than willing to be accountable for them, but there are some obvious differences that make me want to pull my hair out.  We have good days and we have bad days.  It took me almost a decade of relationship/marriage to figure out how to bargain with my ex-husband.  Its aggravating that I still have to do this when it comes to my child but sadly, that is the reality that I and many single parents face.  I am learning as I go, but there are a few things I have figured out when one parent wants to work with the other, but the other does not.

BREATHE
Before I point out a fault of my ex-husband, I try to point out one of my own.  It's not fair to place all blame on him but take none for myself.  We both made mistakes.  I like to be in control.  I don't mind comprise, and working together, but if I don't fully trust someone's judgement, I would rather take charge.  While it may seem logical at times, it does nothing to build a relationship, and it make the other person feel belittled.  I never trusted my ex's judgement.  He tended to make decision based on his wants rather than the needs of the group.  He often put himself before his family, and that was not OK with me.  He still does this.  What school he wants our child to attend is about his convenience, not her education.  Paying for his toys comes before paying child support.  When someone disagrees with him, it's a conspiracy.  These are the things that drive me insane.  This is when I have to breathe.  It does no good to argue about the school.  We live in a big city.  She attends her zoned school.  He lives on the opposite end of the city.  He will just have to drive.  Breathe.  I will always budget with the assumption that I won't receive child support, and think of it as a nice bonus when I DO get it.  Breathe.  His conspiracy theories are a product of his own insecurities, not an evil plot by the people around him.  Breathe.

GET A SHOVEL

I am logical, almost to a fault.  I tend to over-analyze everything so that I can make a honest assessment.  Sometimes, I don't think before I speak, and a some times hurtful honesty comes spilling out.  That is a fault .  My ex-husband takes the other extreme.  He fluffs a story with extra details and exaggerations.  Most people see through his stories right away, or at least question them, because he always takes to that level that the story becomes unbelievable.  One day, when we were married, I asked him when he would do that.  He actually admitted that he did it because it made the story better and he wanted to have his moment in the spotlight.  I guess that is one quality that makes him so successful in his Marketing career.  Unfortunately, it's a habit for him.  A disrespectful comment from our daughter becomes a screaming tantrum with flying dishes and broken lamps.  Get a shovel.  The truth is down there somewhere.  A trip/fall on the side walk becomes "I can't pick her up today because I almost died when I fell on the sidewalk, slammed into a fire hydrant and ricocheted into the street in front of a speeding bus."  Get a shovel.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY (A.K.A Play the Game)
I know this may sound manipulative, but sometimes the only way to keep from an unnecessary argument is to deploy the ultimate weapon...reverse psychology.  Don't get me wrong.  I will give on some things.  He wants our daughter to play soccer.  I'm not keen on that because she has showed no interest and it's expensive.  OK...I'll let him have this one.  He wants to enter our daughter in a beauty pageant.  Again, not crazy about this, but I will bend.  So what about the things that I will NOT bend on, like her school or her chores at my house.  For example, he has certain chores that she has to do daily at his house.  He wants me to make her do those exact same chores at my house.  I have different chores for her to do and, no, I am not going to rearrange my life to match his.  I have found in situations like these, if I play dumb, and ask him for "advice" on how to make that happened, while strategically playing devil's advocate, he will eventually give.  The downside is that he never really understands that we lead two different lives.  He will never realize that our child has to adjust to that, so he needs some patience.  All that is really happening is that he thinks when he agrees to something that I feel is best, it is his idea.

BE THE BETTER
I have been through the fights.  One thing I will say is that I have never used my child to get back at my ex-husband.  I have never used her as a negotiating tool, and I never will, regardless of how he is.  When we went through the divorce, he did not agree to some of the terms I wanted for my child.  Terms that I felt would help to ease the transition from a whole family to a broken home.  Things that I was willing to fight for.  When the judge agreed to my terms, my ex went to extreme lengths, called CPS, made very specific accusations of neglect and abuse.  I was appalled.  The man who came to investigate, ruled out those accusations and the ex was reprimanded for filing a false report out of revenge.  Yes, he stooped that low.  I was not worried about the investigation and my reputation.  I knew it would be cleared immediately.  I WAS worried about my child.  She had been through so much, and it was scary for her to have a stranger ask her such personal questions.  I hated my ex husband for doing that to her.  A child is not a bargaining chip.  Always be the better person.  The children will see the difference in their own time.  When he goes on a rant, be the better.  When he makes false accusations, bet the better.  Never stoop to the level you hate.

BREATHE, GET A SHOVEL, PLAY THE GAME, BE THE BETTER

Will it always be this hard?  Probably, and I will learn more as I go.  Maybe...just maybe...one day I will get the hang of this.

Well, Butter My Biscuits!

 Around 11:00 the other night, I was having a hard time sleeping.  In true "me" fashion, I check my email and see that I have a blog comment.  To my surprise, Megan, from The Walker Fireside Chats, said she nominated me for the Liebster Award.  Let me confess something.  I had no idea what this was.  I am a baby blogger who is not familiar with the blog world.  I still don't know what Linky Party or Blog Hop means.  

So naturally, I Googled Liebster Award.   It's basically a big shout out from one blogger to other rising bloggers that inspire! I have to say that I feel pretty darn special right now knowing that a fellow blogger thought enough of me to send a pat on the back.  If you get a chance, check out her blog, The Walker Fireside Chats.  It's such a fun read from a sweet personality!

Now I have the opportunity to recognize other bloggers!  How exciting!

Here are the rules to accept the award:

1. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you and display the award.
2. Answer eleven questions the blogger gives you.
3. Give eleven random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate eleven blogs that have less than 200 followers you think are deserving of the award (I broke the rules here, a bit.  I am a complete baby in the blogging world, so I haven't quite found the younger blogs yet).
5. Let the bloggers know you nominated them.
6. Give them eleven questions to answer.

Megan's Questions for Me:

1. What made you start a blog?  A general need to express what is going on in my life, share the fun, share the victories.  I would never actually talk to my friends about it because I always felt like it would be kind of a downer.  We lost the ability to relate that way when I divorced.
2. Who is your blogging mentor?  I don't really have one, but there are many that inspire me.
3. Talk about a favorite piece in your wardrobe. I have a pair of jeans that I love.  If I could wear them every day, I would.  It's one of the few pair I have ever had in my life that fit JUST right.  I need to buy 10 more pair.
4. What is one tip you would offer to a new blogger?  Blog from your heart.  If you don't have anything heartfelt to say, wait a day or two.
5. If you had to go your whole life eating only one meal, what would it be? Chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and cream gravy.  Granted, it would be a much shorter life.
6. Are you a morning person? Why or why not? NO!  I am a night owl.  It takes my body a good 30-45 minutes to wake up, even after a nap.
7. In your opinion, what makes a successful blogger? It depends on your goals.  For example, My goal is to reach, inspire, and relate to people in similar positions as myself.  If I can accomplish that, with even a few, then I consider myself successful.
8. What is your favorite color and why? Blue.  It just draws me in.
9. What is your favorite animal and why? Dogs.  I adore dogs.  They are like fuzzy little people, but without the sass!
10. Who is your best friend and why?  My best friend was a wonderful lady.  She passed away 6 years ago from breast cancer.  I have many close friends now, but none are anywhere near where she was in my life.
11. What is the most unusual pet you have ever had?This may not be unusual for some, but I had a Kingsnake at one point.

11 Random Facts

1. I HATE spiders.  HATE.  HATE. HATE.
2. I wanted to be in the Marine Corps when I was a child.
3. I love to fish.
4. I recently learned how to shoot a handgun.
5. I love to read.
6. I want to move to Bora Bora.
7. Boiled squash makes me gag.
8. I wish I could wear flip flops year round.
9. I have a tattoo (inconspicuously placed)
10. I am afraid of heights.
11. I can't function without coffee.

Now for my favorite part of this.  I get to give props to some other bloggers who inspire me!  Some of these girls had me in tears (in a good way)!

 Diary of a Traveling Wheelchair
Martina's blog is the story of her journey through life with her family while being wheelchair bound.  Her posts are so inspirational and it's obvious that she has a powerful voice and a passion!  She is one who truly uses her faith in God to overcome struggles and shows everyone that adaptability is key.

Orli, Just Breathe
Orli lives in London.  Her blog shares her journey through a huge move with a family and her experiences with her son's Ocular Albinism.  Her is encouraging to feel her own strength through some of her posts.  I love her positive and informative blog.

Single Modern Mom's Conceiving Piper
Ashley's blog instantly captured my heart.  A single mother by choice, and this is her story!  This is as real as it gets.

Adventures with the Cronks
April shares her adventures of travel, parenting, crafting, renovating...you name it.  What I really like about her blog is that it is so easy to relate to.  It's refreshing to see that parents are not alone with the unique adventures of living life and having kids.

Wisdom, Grace, and Chickens
Kay completely won me over with her down-to-earth, honest, and humorous posts about faith, family, and natural living.  I hope to learn a few things from her!

Seeking Harmony 
Suzanne shares her life as a wife and homeschooling mom.  She has some great tips, tricks, projects, and recipes.  She also shares her personal experiences and how they cope through struggles and life changes.

Oh My, Marta
I honestly don't know how many followers she has.  Maybe too many, but I love her blog.  It takes a lot of courage to share your struggles and internal conflicts with the world, but she does.  It is very easy to relate. 


NOW:  Here are the things I would LOVE to know about the great folks above.  ~From your biggest fan.

1. What triggered your desire to start blogging?
2. What is your goal as a blogger?
3. If you had the chance to be someone else for one day, who would you be and why?
4. How would your best friend describe you?
5. What childhood memory stands out the most?
6. What is your greatest fear?
7. What was the happiest moment in your life?
8. What is your favorite breakfast food?
9. If you could go back 5 years and give one piece of advice to yourself, what would that be?
10. What is your drink of choice?
11. What is your biggest pet peeve?

To Megan at The Walker Fireside Chats.  Thanks again for the shout out! Your encouragement means the world!

Mwah!

What I Want in a Man

Three years.  That is how long it has taken me to figure out what I REALLY want in a man...a spouse, even.  In the beginning, my list was enormous.  I kept telling myself that I would not take even one thing off of that list because I wouldn't be truly happy with a man that was anything less.  It wasn't until fairly recently that I began to analyze my own list.  My conclusion?  It is selfish.  Some of the things on there are so petty and, dare I say, materialistic.  I had qualities on that list that aren't really THAT important to me.   These were not things I expected of myself.  How can I expect them of someone else if I can't hold up my end of it? For example, one thing on my list was "He drives a truck."  Essentially, I was telling myself that I would not date a guy unless he drove a truck!  Seriously.  I surprise myself, sometimes, at my own childishness.  Sure, a truck is nice, but it should not be a deal-breaker.

Once I came to my own little revelation, I decided it was time to revise my list.  I debated blogging about this.  Was this something that I wanted to share with strangers, or keep deep in my heart?  The purpose of me starting this blog was to break out of my post-divorce cocoon and revamp my perspective on life, love, and single-parenting.  Without further adieu...my revised list of Man Must-Haves.

1. Compassion with Action - He must have a heart for others and act on it.  Do something heartfelt for communities in need, even if it's as simple as buying a cup of coffee for a homeless man on a cold day.  One act of compassion will transform the day of two people.
2. Financial Responsibility - You don't have to be rich, but know how to manage your money.  Be frugal when needed, have a rainy day and emergency fund.  Please don't be neck deep in debt while trying to live beyond your means.  It doesn't matter if you have a brand new house and fancy car if you can't enjoy your life because you are chained down by the mortgage company.
3. Passion for Knowledge - Never stop learning.  "Once you stop learning, you start dying" ~ Albert Einstein
4. Selfless - When we take ourselves out of the center of the world, we start to see that we need each other.  People need people.  When the need arises, stop thinking about you and think about someone else, then act on it.
5. Servant's Heart - Combined this with Compassion and Selflessness.  Serve others and serve God.
6. Be a Partner - Not a Boss.  Not a slave.  I want to work along side you to make decisions.  I am too smart to cower beneath you.  I want you to be mature enough for me to feel like I don't have to be in control.
7. Work Hard - Go to work.  Be to work on time.  Work hard.  Please remember that I work hard too.  Even though we both want to crash and burn when we get home from work, there are things that need to be done.  Dishes, dinner, yard work.  Please don't expect me to do it all.
8. Motivate - I like to motivate others.  Please motivate me too.  Maybe it's motivation for exercise or my latest diet attempt.  Sometimes, if I am overwhelmed, I may need some loving motivation.  Please be careful not to crush my spirit when you try to motivate me.  I promise I will do the same for you.
9. Respect my Space - Sometimes I just need to be alone.  It doesn't mean that I don't care about you or that I regret being with you.  It just means that I need some alone-time with my own thoughts and God.  Please understand that I value the chances I get to sleep.  While 3:00AM might be the time you feel like having fun, you will likely awaken a bear.
10. Don't tell me you love me - not until you know it for sure.  Not until you are ready to make a life-long commitment.  One divorce was enough for me.  I promise to do the same.  I will not say it unless I mean it forever...even if you say it first.
11. Love my child - There is a special place heaven for people who love another person's child as their own.  But know this, my baby has been through enough and I will guard her heart the best I can.  Please don't expect to get close to my child unless you are in it for the long haul.  It's painful to pick up the pieces of a child's shattered heart.

Putting this list out there is hard for me.  I'm honestly not sure why I felt I needed to do this.  Maybe I hope some of you guys will read this and think about your relationships with your wife/girlfriend.  Maybe girls, you can start thinking about your absolute must-haves.  Either way.  This is it!  

Until next time...

Apps for Single Parents (or ANY parent)

Being a single parent is challenging.  Where many in-tact homes have two parents to share the responsibilities of parenting, in a single parent home, it's down to one.  One person to cook.  One person to clean.  One person to make sure their child is not using the dog for target practice.  That's a lot of responsibility for one person.

I hit a point about 6 months ago where I broke.  Even after two and a half years of hacking it on my own, I still couldn't get the hang of single parenting.   This, I would imagine, is because with each day, each week, each, month, each year, children grow.  Children learn.  Children discover new things to play with, talk about, question.  When the questions about male and female body parts came up, I remember thinking "Well, there's no app for that."  While that may be true, I did begin to wonder what other apps are out there that might be helpful to a single mom.  So, six months later, here are my top 5 favorites.  

1. Cozi Family Organizer - To-do lists, calender, shopping list, journal.  This app has every "stay organized" essential in one nice, neat package.  
2. Grocery IQ  - This app allows you to find your stores, make a list, organize by isle.  I prefer Cozi for my shopping list, but this is a great app for finding updated coupons.  #Mom-on-a-budget.
3. Pinterest - This one takes some self-control.  It's tempting to sit for hours and find awesome stuff, but if you an have some restraint, you will find a wealth of great recipes, kids crafts, activities, and other essentials.
4. Yelp - When you are out and about and need to find that restaurant, grocery store, toy store, liquor store...Yelp makes it very easy.  GPS updates and maps.
5. Pre-School Monkey Lunchbox - For the road trips and bored child.  I would recommend several apps for the kids to keep them entertained on the road.  Other apps my 5 year-old likes:

• Temple Run
• Talking Tom (the original and Junior)
• Angry Birds
• Hill Climb Racing
• Fruit Ninja
• Flow free (good brain game)

I am always on the prowl for other apps to make points of my life a little easier.  I'm sure there will be reviews down the road.  As always, share your favorites!  

Until next time...

Dating Advice from Me to Me

A recent conversation with a friend went something like this:

Friend:  So, are you dating anyone?
Me:  No.  I  haven't dated in years.
Friend:  Why not? 
Me:  It's not that I don't want to.  I just can't seem to meet any men worth dating.
Friend:  Well, what are you looking for in a man?
Me:  A pulse.
Friend:  Where have you looked? 
Me:  I haven't really looked anywhere.  I mean, I get out to the grocery store, and church, and run errands.  Of course there are fun places I go with my kid, but I haven't really met any single men that I would date.  Hell, half the time I don't even know if they are single.
Friend:  Honey, they aren't going to magically show up at your door...and you probably won't find him at the petting zoo. 

Reality bites, and quite frankly, I hated my friend for about 10 minutes because she was right.  When my child is away, I take time to catch up on sleep, do chores, deep clean the house and fantasize about Chris Hemsworth in an apron, cooking dinner while a shirtless Ryan Reynolds landscapes my under-attended yard. 

I pretty much brushed off the conversation that day, until I had a chance encounter with with my ex-husband and HE made a snarky comment about me not having a boyfriend then suggested that maybe I wanted a "girlfriend" instead.  I had a few choice words for his unwelcomed opinion. Let me clarify something.  I have nothing against people who prefer same-sex relationships.  I fully support and love many of my gay friends, but suggesting that I try batting for the other team is like telling Perez Hilton to give it a go with Dana Loesch.  That was the nudge that sent me plummeting into depths of the dating pit again.  In all reality, I DO want to date. Not for revenge. Not for self-affirmation.  I just want to have fun with some guy/Greek God and see where it goes.  It's that human nature thing.

Of course, I started shuffling through online articles and found so much conflicting information that my head was spinning.  Dr. Phil said I need to get in touch with myself.  A psychiatry site said I need to get in touch with them.  Glamour said I need to be independent and confident.  Another site said I should be vulnerable.

It was quite obvious that I wasn't going to get much help there. I'm almost convinced that I harbor some OCD tendencies, because the first thing I did after beating my head against the wall was make a list of dating advice to myself.  (If you have read my previous posts, you can probably guess that I have a secret love affair with listing.)  I had to dig down deep, and look at my own life, rather than let someone else clump me into some stereotypical divorced woman's category.

My Dating Advice to Me:

1. Ryan Reynolds will not mow your yard.  Get out and do it yourself, but before you do, make a trip to the hardware store and ask for lawn maintenance advice from the hottest guy you can find without a wedding ring.
2. Get out of your comfort zone.  If you haven't found "HIM" at the local coffee shop or the bar down the road, chances are you won't find him there anytime soon.  He won't pop up when you open your Kindle or materialize from a pint of Ben and Jerry's.  This is the hardest for me, a self-proclaimed creature of habit.
3. Dress up.  The only thing he will likely notice about the 1999 t-shirt and yoga pants is that you would make a good feature on People of WalMart.
4. Wear the right bra.  I know you LOVE that sports bra, but trust me, girlfriend.  It's not doing you any favors.
5. Break out the body spray.  Eau de Clorox is not a pheromone accentuating fragrance.
6. Smile.  Go ahead. Don't be bashful.  Flash those pearly whites and look a cutie in the eye.
7. You know that cute guy who also happens to be a divorced work-a-holic?  Talk to him.
8. Speaking of work-a-holic, set aside those contracts and to-do lists for a bit.  Leave your work at work for at least one day.
9. Open your eyes!  Chances are, some cute little number has probably noticed you, but you were to busy staring at the ground and contemplating joining a convent to notice.  WAKE UP!
10. Perfect the eyes.  Practice that "I'm interested" look in the mirror.
11. Go for the face-to-face gusto and set aside the thoughts of online dating.  I know.  I know.  It works for many people, but honey, it's just not for you right now.  
12. Work it, don't twerk it.  Really.  You are almost 40 years old and have no business trying to keep up with the 20-somethings.  If that's not what you want to attract, then opt for the age appropriate walk/talk/stance.

I give myself some pretty good advice, if I do say so myself.  Now, the trick is to take it.
Feel free to add your two cents, dating advice, etc.  Who knows.  Maybe you hold the key to my happy romance.

Au Revoir!

Letter to Married People from a Divorcee

Dear Married Person:

There has been more than one occasion over the past three years that I have had to come face to face with the big, hot pink elephant in the room called "Divorce."  It rears its ugly head far too often.  Today, a friend of mine mentioned in an innocent conversation that they are adamantly opposed to divorce and that should never be an option.  She went on to tell the group how marriages should be, what should and should not happen, and how the law should handle situations of divorce.

I love my friend, but there are a few things that need to be explained about my elephant.   I'm a list maker, so you will have to forgive my impersonal style.

1. Divorce is not contagious.  You wont "catch" it from me.  If my own divorce causes you to question the stability of your marriage, then maybe you need to closely examine your own situation.  Don't bring your divorced friend into the picture as justification for your own relationship choices.
2. It's not a scarlet letter.  I have yet to meet a person who gets married with the thought "Well, if it doesn't work out, there's always divorce!"   I had the same dream that many of you had:  Dancing to "OUR" song on our 50th anniversary; sitting on the front porch swing when we are 75 and still in love.  I firmly believe it takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.  That means that one person can't do it on their own.  Two people have to choose to forgive.  Two people have to choose to make it work.  If only one person makes the right choice, it will not be enough.
3. I am not anti-social since my divorce.  I would LOVE to be able to go on that "girl" trip. I would love to go to the company party.  The reality is, I now have a home to keep and a child to raise BY MYSELF. I can't always get a babysitter.  The time I have with my child is cut in half.  I value every moment that I DO have. 
4. The "couples" thing brings out the elephant.  I really do appreciate the invitation to join you, your spouse, and other couples for a night out, but honestly, it sling-shots me back to college and a third-wheel scenario.  It's still strange to be around couples, who talk about their relationships and family when you are the odd man out.  I am happy for you, I am, but that is just not something I can relate to anymore.  That doesn't mean I don't want time with my friends. I just enjoy time in another setting.
5. It's OK to talk about your marriage an how happy you are.  Really.  I am glad!  I wish more marriages would not fail.  It gives me hope for the future to hear about your good marriage.  This is not like the couples outing, where I feel like the odd man out.  This is two friends, talking.  Who knows, maybe I can learn something from you.

My elephant does not have to be YOUR elephant.  I am still learning how to deal with this change in my life.  I hope I always keep learning.  Just, please, understand that we divorcees have different battles to fight than you have to face.  Don't give up on us.  We still want to be your friend, we just need to figure out how to adjust to this new and scary life.

Sincerely, 
Your Divorced Friend

P.S.  I am renaming my elephant Samantha.  It sounds better than "Divorce."

Social Media and the Tween/Teen Parent

     Picture Credit:  http://collegian.tccd.edu/?p=6240

Illustration by Eric Rebosio/The Collegian

 
So, you have a tween/teen and you know every website they view and every social media account they have, right?  Maybe you do, but maybe you don't.  Many kids are honest about their social media adventures, but they often omit certain pieces of information that they don't feel is important for a parent to know.  Why?  Maybe they don't see it as a big deal.  Maybe they are afraid that you will make them delete their account.  Keep reading.  I'm going to line out some things you need to know about tweens and teens in social media.  These are my limited personal discoveries and experience...barely a drop in the bucket.

Misconceptions Parents Have About Teens and Technology

1. You have to be a techno-ninja.  FALSE:  You don't have to be a technological genius and super sleuth to keep on top of your child's internet adventures.  You just need to know what is out there what it's about, and how to talk honestly with your kids.
2.  My kids don't have a social media account because I don't let them.  Likely FALSE.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying your kid is a liar.  Maybe you have told your child they can't have a Facebook or Instagram account.  Maybe you have told them that Myspace is off limits.  They probably don't have one, but you need to know that there are a plethora of social media sites that kids are into that you may not know about and you didn't tell them that THOSE are off limits.  I will get into those later.
3. I know they aren't on these sites because I monitor their computer and phone use.  Then, they probably aren't on them...at home at least.  Think about all the places your child has access to the internet, other than home.  School (though most have social media blocked)?  Library?  Friends house?  Do they delete their history before you can see it?  Again, most kids don't try to hide their activity unless you are a the parent that they see as overly controlling or  they don't see it as a threat.  Your child is likely NOT one to go behind your back and they are likely NOT trying to be defiant but you have to understand the peer pressure that kids face...especially if their friends are on those sites.  I'm going to be honest with you here.  There are some positives to letting kids have social media accounts and safeguards that can be followed.  I will hit on those later.
4. I don't need a social media account.  You DO need a social media account of some sort.  Even if you NEVER post a thing, you should have an account so you can be familiar with what is going on.  If nothing else, you need to spend some time on those sites, periodically.  You need to see what public profiles are posting.  These are the things your kids will see.  As much as you may want to, you can't lock your kids in a closet and hide them from the scary internet world, but you can help them see it in a safer light.

What's Out There?

What are the trending social media places for kids?  Please note that this list may change as new social media sites are added often.

1. Facebook - Many kids have a Facebook account, but be aware that this overly popular social media site is drawing in a more adult crowd, and kids are moving to other places.
2. MySpace - Not as many kids are on MySpace these days, but it still makes the list.
3. Instagram - Kids snap and post pictures and others comments.  Seems harmless, but what people post can be shocking and borderline illegal.
4. Snapchat - This is a fairly new, and quite honestly, dangerous app/program.  It allows a person to snap a picture and send it to another user.  The appeal is that the image self destructs in a predetermined amount of time (5 or 10 seconds or so)?  Sounds safer than posting on Instagram, right?  Maybe, but the trend has been dangerous for some of our tween/teen girls who think its safe to snap a quick and inappropriate  picture to send to their boyfriend.  Problem is this...while the image is short-lived, it's easy enough for someone to screenshot the image and save it to their device.
5. Twitter - Many kids and parents use this to keep up with the latest news snaps from schools, businesses, celebrities, etc.  
6. G+ - This hasn't caught on with kids yet.  It's more popular for groups that want to professionally network.
7. Pinterest - This is far more popular with adults.  A fun and easy way to pin your favorite stuff on the web.  While some content is not appropriate for tweens/teens, it seems that there is far less risk for the dangers that I will talk about shortly.
8. Vine - a new, Twitter-created, site where users can post a 6-second long video for others to see.  They are already seeing quite a number of users posting inappropriate content.  SURPRISE!
9. KIK - an instant messaging app.  You have to know a persons username to message them.  Check out more about it from http://www.bewebsmart.com/internet-safety/is-kik-okay-for-kids/

There are more.  There are always more.  There will always be more.  The list above is just what is trending at the moment.  If you know of others please comment and share with other parents.

NOW...The Dangers

The biggest dangers for kids is social media is cyber-bullying, sexting, and of course, child predators.

There are several sites that post information and recent statistics on Cyber-bullying.  In a nutshell, here are the important things to remember:

• Traditional bullying is more prominent, but cyber-bulling is on a slow rise.  Since the realization that some kids are using the internet and social media to bully (likely because they think they are less likely to get caught), there has been a crack-down, increased legal consequences, and heightened awareness that this trend does, indeed, exist.
• Cyber-bullying can promote low-self esteem, ideas of suicide, and behavioral issues both in and out of school.

Resources for the information above include:
http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/cyber-bullying-statistics.html
http://www.cyberbullying.us/research.php
 Sexting is a frighteningly growing trend with our teens.  Girls and guys often send inappropriate pictures/texts to their boyfriends (and sometimes complete strangers) then, before you know it, half the school has seen your child naked.

•  Almost 30% of 14-24 year-old who admit to sexting say they have sent nude picture to complete strangers
• Almost 40% of teens have sent sexually suggestive or sexually explicit messages
• 22% of 14-17 year-old have sent a nude picture to someone
•  From the FBI site " An 18-year-old high school graduate committed suicide after a nude photo she had transmitted via her cell phone to her boyfriend also was sent to hundreds of teenagers in her school. Other students, who apparently continued to forward the image, allegedly harassed the girl."

Resources for the above information include:
http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-sexting
http://www.fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/law-enforcement-bulletin/july-2010/sexting

Child predators are, by far, the greatest concern with our kids.  Check out these stats/findings:

• Over half of the victims of internet sexual predators of minors are usually between the ages of 12 and 15.
• The majority of victims are girls
• Victims usually meet the predatory willingly
• Predators often meet victims in online chat rooms
• Approximately 1 in 25 youth are aggressively solicited online, asked to take sexually oriented pictures and distressed about online solicitations
•  Predators seeking to meet children face-to-face often use bogus online identities, leading kids to believe they are talking to another person their age.

These are staggering and eye-opening statistics.

Resources for the information above include:
http://www.nsopr.gov/en/Education/FactsMythsStatistics
http://www.unh.edu/ccrc/internet-crimes/factsheet_1in7.html
http://www.fbi.gov/news/stories/2011/may/predators_051711

TIPS and Suggestions for Parents

1. TALK to your kids.  Have honest conversations about what they do.  DON'T go ten shades of crazy of them.  If you do, they are far less likely to be honest with you about what they say and do online.  Talk to them about why you won't let them have an account yet, when they CAN have an account, and the safety that goes along with it.  Talk to them about safety, child predators, what to look for, how to handle cyber-bullying.  You can find some great tips for those conversations HERE
2. Set boundaries.  If you allow them to have accounts, let them know that you will have their log-ins and passwords and that, because you love and care about them, you will check periodically to make sure everything is ok.  This way, you are less likely to be seen as poking around their business.
3. Create your own account and require that your child add you as a friend/follower.
4. Don't come down too hard if you see your kid or their friends cussing.  This is a talking point for you and a good time to bring up the "How do you really want people to see you?" discussion.  It's also a good time to talk about Digital Footprints.  Check out more about digital footprints from http://www.cybersmart.gov.au/Kids/Get%20the%20facts/Digital%20footprint.aspx
5. Understand that peer pressure is an issue.  Their relationship with you, is different than the relationship that they have with their peers.
6. Don't be blind.  Know that your child is at a point in their lives where they have to make some pretty tough social decisions and that they may do this through social media...with OR without your knowledge.  BE PROACTIVE!
7. Understand that there are good things about social media.  It CAN be a positive way for tweens/teens to interact with their friends in their own, strange, alien, teenage way.
8. For your own sanity.  Don't be "that" parent.  You know...the one that does the inappropriate posting of bikini clad bodies, sex talk, and general stupidity.  Your children will do as you do, not as you say.

This post BARELY scratches the surface.  There are entire websites devoted solely to this topic.  These are just the key points to get your brain in gear thinking about what is out there and how to handle it.  I highly encourage you to do your research.  Find more information.  SHARE that information.

If you have other facts, stats, information, or general comments, please share!