On Being Single

Over the past coupe of weeks, I have been running relentlessly between work, this practice or that practice for my daughter, keeping up with the house after getting home after 8:00 every night....and so on and so on.  Somewhere in there I have managed to find time to throw pitty parties over my single life.  I think I went through every woe in the book.  "I have to do all this alone."  "The bed feels so empty." "My dog can't hold a conversation."  Over Easter weekend, while my daughter was with her father, I sunk into a book.  At one point that Saturday, I actually crawled out from under my rock, got dressed up with my best hair and make-up and decided to go out an explore my fine city.  I got as far as the end of my block before I turned around and went right back home.  I had no idea where I was going, why I was going, what I wanted to do.  So, I went back home, scrubbed my faced and sunk back into my fictional world. It was pitiful.  Truly pitiful.  

For the past few days I have felt the same way.  Unworthy, unattractive, unnoticed.  I go through these phases at times (usually when I am alone).  What makes it worse is the little bit of guilt I have when I actually do enjoy the alone time.  I always feel like I should miss my daughter every moment that she is gone.  The reality is I DO miss her...terribly, but I also realize that the time apart gives me a chance to rejuvenate that some single parents, with no co-parent, never have.  It's a needed time to keep your sanity.  What snapped me out of it today was a conversation with a fellow divorcee who is also battling the lonely bug.  So, now I've moved to a "I'm not looking" phase. 

I sat down tonight and realized that there really are some benefits to being single.  Do they trump the desire for companionship?  Not really, but they take out a little of the sting.  They really are nice benefits that I never had when I was married (mainly because I felt more like a maid and keeper than a wife).

Half the Laundry
Half the dishes
Not fighting for covers in bed
Being able to lay in bed all day and read a book
Not having to "check in"
Going when I feel like going
Eating when I feel like eating
Eating WHAT I feel like eating
Leaving my curling iron on the bathroom counter
Not fighting over the TV remote
Watching "chick flicks" when I want
Reading in bed without complaints about the light
Not having to wake another person up for work or school
Talking to who I want to talk to
Taking off on a random roadtrip
Leaving my nail polish on the coffee table
Not having to fight the toilet seat battle

Then sometimes...just sometimes...I would give anything to have those burdens back (not too often, though)

No Matches Found

I'm an ambitious procrastinator.  I tend to have great ideas and start a project, but not finish it.  This blog is a project I never started in the first place, though the idea to get one going came about 5 months ago, when they said I was unmatchable.  Take a seat by the fire, kick off your heals, grab a glass of wine, and learn about the world of dating...again.

I guess I shouldn't say "dating."  I haven't actually been on a date in years.  Let me back up a step.  My child (my pride, my joy, my tiny version of me) stays with the ex about 40% of the time.  I hate it.  When Child is gone, that is when the loneliness starts to edge in.  When Child is gone, it's just me:  no little messes to pick up; no extra laundry to do; no one to wake me up at 6:00 AM on a Saturday to make pancakes and play pirates.  

One weekend, while Child was at the ex's, loneliness got the best of me.  I'm not one that is confident enough to go out and mingle and meet a guy.  Think about it:  late thirties, a few (OK a few times two) extra pounds, and that nagging voice of a jerkish ex-husband in the back of my mind, telling me that I could be prettier if ________________.  Now, I am not feeling sorry for myself.  I'm not bad looking and I can doll up pretty well.  I'm not TOTALLY lacking confidence...but at times I do.  The dating pool is pretty shallow where I live, to top it off. 

Anyways, one weekend, I decided to try out the online dating thing.  I created an account with a "reputable" site, which will remain nameless.  I found my best pictures that brought out all my best features.  I carefully, but honestly, answered all the questions.  I didn't put too many limits on the type of guy I was looking for.  When I was done, I was sure I would have an inbox full of prospects in no time.  

Then it happened...the MESSAGE.  That nagging little box that popped up out of the blue and said, in a nutshell, "We are sorry.  We couldn't find any matches for you, but try again some other time."  It might as well have said "Hey, sorry about that.  You might try a biker bar.  We hear the animal shelter has lots of cats to adopt."

I'm...not...matchable??  Come on...I have seen some of the couples walking around, and thought "Well, now, there's somebody for everybody."  But, not for me?  I had a good week-long pout about that.
Since then, I still have those moments where loneliness rears its ugly head, but overall, I am content.  I have found definite advantages to being single, like, not having to close the bathroom door, half the laundry, and no dirty underwear laying on the piano.

One day, though, maybe my real prince will come.  Let's just hope he's not another toad in disguise.