On Being Single

Over the past coupe of weeks, I have been running relentlessly between work, this practice or that practice for my daughter, keeping up with the house after getting home after 8:00 every night....and so on and so on.  Somewhere in there I have managed to find time to throw pitty parties over my single life.  I think I went through every woe in the book.  "I have to do all this alone."  "The bed feels so empty." "My dog can't hold a conversation."  Over Easter weekend, while my daughter was with her father, I sunk into a book.  At one point that Saturday, I actually crawled out from under my rock, got dressed up with my best hair and make-up and decided to go out an explore my fine city.  I got as far as the end of my block before I turned around and went right back home.  I had no idea where I was going, why I was going, what I wanted to do.  So, I went back home, scrubbed my faced and sunk back into my fictional world. It was pitiful.  Truly pitiful.  

For the past few days I have felt the same way.  Unworthy, unattractive, unnoticed.  I go through these phases at times (usually when I am alone).  What makes it worse is the little bit of guilt I have when I actually do enjoy the alone time.  I always feel like I should miss my daughter every moment that she is gone.  The reality is I DO miss her...terribly, but I also realize that the time apart gives me a chance to rejuvenate that some single parents, with no co-parent, never have.  It's a needed time to keep your sanity.  What snapped me out of it today was a conversation with a fellow divorcee who is also battling the lonely bug.  So, now I've moved to a "I'm not looking" phase. 

I sat down tonight and realized that there really are some benefits to being single.  Do they trump the desire for companionship?  Not really, but they take out a little of the sting.  They really are nice benefits that I never had when I was married (mainly because I felt more like a maid and keeper than a wife).

Half the Laundry
Half the dishes
Not fighting for covers in bed
Being able to lay in bed all day and read a book
Not having to "check in"
Going when I feel like going
Eating when I feel like eating
Eating WHAT I feel like eating
Leaving my curling iron on the bathroom counter
Not fighting over the TV remote
Watching "chick flicks" when I want
Reading in bed without complaints about the light
Not having to wake another person up for work or school
Talking to who I want to talk to
Taking off on a random roadtrip
Leaving my nail polish on the coffee table
Not having to fight the toilet seat battle

Then sometimes...just sometimes...I would give anything to have those burdens back (not too often, though)